Marriage Proposal in Punjabi English

This is the first joke that I shared with S when we first got to know each other as friends. It tickled me especially 'cos he was really into 'pumping dumb belles in the jim' in those days.. :-))

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I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore.

Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab.
I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long.
My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly.
I am playing hardly also.
Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller.
Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.
Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone.
I am jolly. I am gay.
Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft.
I am always giving respect to the ladies.
I am always allowing ladies to get on top.
That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits.
I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else.
Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything.
Daily I am pumping and pumping.
If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.
What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.
That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.
In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come.
So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon...

Yours and only yours,
Choudhary Warraich,
born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab